Notes to the Gretchie Verse

So, could you make it in black or silver ?? Blue is kinda cheezy

Dear Pretend EX  Boyfriend: Thank you for the pretzel M&M's, but they were tasteless. Thank you for the flowers that didn't smell, and that you for the new VW CrossBlue Car, but again dude it's a concept car ! So, I what I found in my driveway was a bunch of dead leaves and pine cones. I am so disappointed ! It's no wonder we broke up !!

Dear Google : Thank you for the cute little Zamboni game on your main page today. It's how I love to waste my mornings. Well, except when I can catch up on American Horror Story or watch reruns of Downton Abbey.

Seriously? What a dive...

Dear Mrs. F: Okay, so after Downton Abbey they had a lovely show about Chatsworth. Unfortunately, Deborah Mitford was not featured, but the new Duke and Duchess. It was still interesting to see how the house is run. I am putting it on my list of places to visit on my next trip to the UK. Hmm...it's going to be a long time from now Mrs.F.

Just so you know, there are no pics for pillow and tape

Dear Twin Girlfriends: I can not believe your going to be 7. Sometimes, it feels like you should be turning 14. Anyway, I am sorta looking forward to your birthday festivities. I have informed the parents that they can free to duct tape pillows to their kids bodies so no harm and injury will come to them.

I could be one of those people...no really I could....

Dear Bigeminy: Well, you are not a big deal. My EKG was normal...I guess this means I can start my marathon training. So, is going to be Boston or NYC ?
Dear Vertigo: So, I am not quite sure if you are Vertigo or not. I just know there is liquid in my ears. Since I know what you are, you can go away now.

So, why the sunglasses in prison ?

Dear Mr. Mubarak: Okay, so good to know you are around and that you are still in prison. So, are you bummed about losing 3 million dollars ? So, are you giving any of the money that you have now to help the families of the 900 protesters you allowed to be killed ?  Just curious...so anyway, dude, have fun at your trial. I volunteer at the library once a week, so I won't be able to attend. Please tell me all about it...like I want details. Like what you are wearing and what your wife is wearing etc. I think you should go all out Ancient Egyptian. I mean how cool would that be ?

Dear A: I am excited about your new 6000 sq foot home. However, let me repeat, never complain about having to clean it or how many vacuum cleaners you have gone through over the past month.  You might hire me to clean your house. I am psycho about that...and then we can go to The Pie Hole afterwards to eat the calories I would have burned.

Lance ....Shave and...stick with the sunglasses...you're going to need them...

Dear General P: Can I still call you that ? I am delighted to not have to hear your named mentioned. That means that people don't care. See, something more interesting like Lance Armstrong has come to save the day. Taking drugs and lying about it is far more interesting than having an affair and then admitting to it. See, you didn't even have to lower yourself to go on Oprah. You just went to the Commander and Chief. Just so you know he respects you, ain't nobody going to respect L. Armstrong.

Dear Boeing: So, just curious...what are you going to do about those 787's? When I was at Heathrow taking off to Ireland I saw a plane on fire. Did you sell planes to Lingus Air ? Strangest thing to see a plane on fire at an airport and nobody reported it on the news. Is this something that happens frequently ? You know, just curious.

Dear Momma Mia: Okay, so you never followed up on this cruise to the UK. I just got a SWEET card from Mr.H in Switzerland. He says we will drink Champagne in the UK if we go.  Doesn't that sound fabulous !!? He is probably the most fabulous person I have ever known. See ma, he is someone to go back to your little tiny town and brag about it.

Dear Spring Ridge Bible Belt Beauties: Thank you so much for last night. I have decided to really dive into She's Got Issues. I figure because I am probably queen of issues.