Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree: How lovely are thy plastic branches. I mean who wouldn't enjoy the loveliness of a plastic green Christmas tree with an assortment of colored plastic lights ? A green plastic tree with my 12 days of Christmas ornaments from Crate and Barrel. Did I mention it is minus seven swans a swimming ...
because my dog chewed it up? Later, I realized that these ornaments are made in India due to the newspaper found on the inside. I miss the days of real Christmas trees with the fresh pine scent. Trees that don't look so perfect, trees that you throw on top of your station wagon strapped by rope and brought through the front door. A tree that leaves pine needles all over the floor. A tree where one finds it a challenge to make it stand straight. I miss that...plastic trees suck
Dear America: Okay, so it has now come to the point where I can pretty much live anywhere I want. Specifically in the US. I know, wouldn't it be fabulous to be able to live anywhere in the world ? So, as much I would just LOVE to live in Utah with my mother, I am thinking maybe Virginia. I sort of want live in the raum of Washington D.C. So, not in D.C. ...but you know maybe an hour or two away from the US Capitol. I sorta have this fantasy of having a family room that is totally Americana. The rest of the house....maybe a little European with brightly colored tiles on the stairs. The family room is lush with a sofa and recline chair that cocoons you when you lay in it. America that is my dream...so can you make it happen ?
Dear America: The truth is I will end up in a trailer park in Mobile, Alabama living as meth dealer. I'll be skinny and yet my teeth will be rotten. My boyfriend will be missing teeth and a crack addict. His t-shirt will say Keep on Truckin'. The bottom saying Welcome to Mobile, Alabama. My kids will have such horrible accents that nobody will understand them. I am currently shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue size 0, because I might be a meth dealer, but I will be LOOKIN' GOOD !
Dear Dr. Forte: Thank you so much for the phone call yesterday. However, I am not thankful for the news that essentially I will be eating fish, fruits and veggies for most of my life. You are pretty much forcing me to cook in the kitchen DAILY. It's true that I do enjoy cooking, but my kids are not going to be excited about this. I was wondering..do you know Michael Pollan ? Could you arrange for him to come and live with me? The girls might take interest in his explanation as to why we need to eat like this. Instead of me screaming " You have to eat like this because I SAY SO". Yeah, that isn't going to work so well Forte. Does Michael Pollan like trailer parks ?
Dear House that I currently live in: You are fine, my children however have left things all over the floor. To the point that quite frankly, I just don't want to pick it up. What I really want to do is set that crap on fire and walk away. Is it possible to burn their crap and not burn the house ? There is also, you know...Salvation Army. I would be delighted if they brought a huge van over and I would just fill it up with enough crap to provide entertainment for the continent of Africa...and you think I'm being sarcastic don't you ? Well, once I move into that trailer there will be no room left for all their crap.
Dear Dr. Z : It was so nice chatting with you today on Facebook. I was trying to think of all the things we could do next summer in Gottingen if I am able to escape my cruise. Perhaps, I can jump ship, be rescued by some friendly pirates or a nuclear submarine and request to be brought to Germany ?
Dear Jeffery: It was also nice talking to you today. I am sure that life in the military is not exactly the ideal job for everyone. I wouldn't last an hour under discipline such as that. However, I do like the idea of us writing a movie. If I become rich and famous....well I would not have to live in a trailer that is for sure....
No comments:
Post a Comment