I like to blog when I am happy and in a good mood. Such is not the case recently. This past week has not been a good one. Perhaps I need a vacation ? Perhaps I need to spend more time at home locked up in my room and neglecting the world ? Something has to be done to take me out of this horrid rut called my life.
Lately, I have been preparing for this tour of the Habsburgs. I have mentioned it several times and truly it is amazing. So, I have signed up for a weekend tour. I have picked my objects and art pieces (they're all art pieces) and have made cards to practice. I am absolutely terrified. It is my first tour at The High like this one. I am afraid that I will feel prepared and then like my first test this tour will just fall apart. What if suddenly people arrive and I have nothing to say ? Will I start crying again ? These poor people...I am so over prepared it might be a nightmare !
Yes, I truly lack self esteem and self confidence. Children are easy, kids really are laid back about everything...adults (which I have learned lately) are not so laid back ..well not in the south. Lately, I have been disappointed in my 4.5 years living here. Being yourself to many people, it's not okay. Being open minded, loving and positive is not okay. Being uptight, narrow minded, and superficial is okay. If you are reading this...you are my friend and this does not apply to you. It's just lately what I have encountered in people.
Its that stupid Southern mentality which I was hoping had died by the time I got here. It's be lady like to the point where I am miserable, it all about appearances, it's playing tennis, its about winning and not fun, it's not about the soul of a human being. It's being thin and tan and attending some college in the south. It's what church you go to. It's not actually about behaving like Christ, but where you go. God put Christ here on earth and he taught us how to be loving and caring and open minded. Why do people NOT apply it to our lives ?
Lately, my insecurities about having a college degree has haunted me. Do I want a college degree ? Of course I want one !!! Can I afford one ? No, I can not afford to go back to college. Am I college drop out ? No, I have never dropped out, I am just not done. Do people actually judge people on if they attended college or not ? At the end of the day does it matter ? Does college make you a better person ? Really ? I have met so many idiots that make poor poor choices who have attended college. What would getting a degree do to me personally ? Would I change ? Would getting a degree make me a better person ? Isn't this just an expectation in society ?
So, you can spend your entire life being miserable trying to fit in with the rest of society. You can be sized 6 and tan and starving. You can brag about your Ivy League school that you have attended to everyone and their mother. Just know that I am sorry I am never going to be that person. I am happy being me. I am happy being a stay at mother with 3 wonderful girls that are going to have amazing lives when they grow up. They will go to college. They are going to look back at their mother and think ...she loved me, she encouraged me, she had a sense of humor, she believed in me, she never let society get in the way of who she is. She loved England, Art, Movies, her gym, traveling, reading books, learning always learning, and she loved her family. You know, I hope all of this is said , when I am in my 90's .
Sorry this blog isn't silly or funny. It's pretty much how I am feeling these days. Lots of lessons to be learned about trusting people and believing they are not what they appear to be. Trying to live here in the South and survive all the unwritten rules made up by idiots. Trying to find a church and a place to fit in...where people are similar to me. Believe me there are tons...and just afraid to admit it.
I WANT TO LOVE AND EMBRACE THE SOUTH !!!
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