Notes to the Gretchie Verse

Dear Auj: Now, when I say your room is filthy and I tell you to clean it, and you ask why you have to, and then you ask if someone is coming, and then you tell me that it's not necessary to clean your room because someone isn't coming....I have a solution. Why don't you pretend someone is coming every day. My mother told me that "Well, imagine if Jesus came to your house". My mother is not a religious person, she was just sharing with me how people use Jesus to manipulate children.

Dear Jesus: Okay, I just spent a lot of time in Europe. I just spent a lot of time in churches. Jesus, you used to be a really big deal. People were really into you . People spent a lot of time and effort into making huge cathedrals for you. I look now and people don't really care about you anymore. They spend their money on STUFF. Then again those churches are now filled with people sightseeing and they're not as warm and a haven for people. It was just an observation about you and the world. Also, it seems like every major piece of artwork has something to do with you and angels, etc.

Dear Jules, Anna, and Robin: Thank you for inviting me to the movies. I have to admit I really don't like that much violence in movies, but I have now been introduced to Tyler Perry (apparently my neighbor) and Edward Burns. It was the first time in a LONG time I watched a movie and considered someone to be HOT. Then of course I read up that Edward Burns is married to Christy Turlington. So, of course I must have good taste in men that marry supermodels. Hmmm....I wonder if any of the guys I dated married supermodels ?

Dear Tyler Perry: Okay, I am a 45 year old hormonal nightmare.  There were some really good emotional scenes in Alex Cross....so actually I was impressed. I live down the street from your house. In fact Tyler I have almost got into car accidents driving by your house. In fact, I almost took a picture of your house....not realizing it was your house. So, one day if you find an envelope taped to your gate...dude it's from me. I am fat, ugly and harmless...

Dear President Obama: Okay, I am sooo sorry but I can't vote in this election. When I forked out $400 to change my name and appear in court twice...I failed to register to vote. Does that not suck ? Rachael Maddow would be so disappointed in me. Anyway, I just want this election to be over. The facebook drama is driving me freaking nuts. I am sorry but posting who you are voting for on facebook is not going to make me vote one way or the other.

Dear Amy A: I had a dream last night that I had a birthday party for the twins or Sarah. Anyway, you were there and so was Michelle Obama and Collin Powell. There were also two other singers and another famous person who I can't think of now. Isn't that crazy....it was interesting introducing you to Collin Powell...because you know....I am such great friends with him.

Dear T: So, while I was in England I learned I was French as well. So, now I am English, Danish, and French. Which doesn't really make sense since I hate Paris so much. It however explains my liking of French Kissing....is that porno ? It seems so personal and sinful to admit I like French Kissing. Yet, really it's what people do....people French Kiss.

Dear Alikona: Did I mention that ladies in London look like Oompa Loompas ? That they put fake tanning stuff on their faces and tons of mascara and lipstick. They look like Oompa Loompas without the green hair. So, uh, and the guys are still really short, really skinny, and wear hideous pointy shoes. So, the people are not worth admiring, but the houses, accents, and countryside are.